Archive for January, 2017

A full repentance

Posted: January 19, 2017 in Uncategorized

Martin Luther interpreted the command to “repent” to indicate a new way of life. Not a one time repenting, but a life full defined by repentance. Even this can fail to go far enough if we only repent of those mistakes we make in our own plans of being good. A full repentance goes beyond confessing my failure to live up to the values I adhere to. It is a realization that I’ve not only failed at what I was trying but what I was trying was messed up. And I don’t mean slightly off, I mean. Well.
What I mean is I have woken up some days this year and realized, I’m a jerk. Not only am I a jerk, but I justify it as if I have a passion for truth. It’s not been a slip from my good motives to care about people, it’s been my modus operandi.
It’s come out in various ways. My conversations are attempts to push an agenda, not because I care about that issue but want to be seen as more right than others. If not desiring this my goal was jokes, a desperate desire to be seen as funny at any expense.
So I have to repent of Who I am. I am sure some theologian would say “that’s true of everyone” but I don’t think that’s true, at least not like this. I’ve realized that my beliefs, my faith, has all been… I haven’t been trying it right and missing the mark, or having an imperfect approach, it’s a full example of what not to do.
So what is it I need to do? I tried praying and saying “hey, just change me” and that didn’t work. Should I change my theological beliefs entirely? Yes and No. What I made important and why I made it important are the problem. I made details important so I could feel superior to other Christians. Or I held political positions so I could stand in judgment on people.
What will this full repentance look like? I don’t want to just be the exact opposite of what I’ve been. It will probably be a lot of habits I have to break, once I do automatically that I’m not even aware of. And it will take feeling deeply the way I have let others down. Wish me Godspeed.